In just three days — Saturday, June 7 — Connie and I will celebrate our 39th wedding anniversary. We have enjoyed a wonderful life together with three beautiful children. I am blessed.
For over 10 years, Connie and I shared relationship advice with the youth of our parish, Immaculate Conception Catholic Church in Owensville, when we were entrusted with the high school youth group.
Here are some tidbits of marriage/relationship wisdom we shared in that class. You are welcome to pass them along to your children and grandchildren.
The Cinderella effect
The Cinderella effect is something we are all aware of in a subconscious way. In many movies we all grew up with — Cinderella, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, to name two — the young girl lives a life of hardship and despair, dreaming of her prince charming, the one person who will sweep her off her feet and give her the love she deserves.
And, of course, towards the end of the movie, she finds him, and they live happily ever after.
Although these examples feature a young lady dreaming of her one and only, men can also fall into this trap.
The trap is believing that there is one perfect match for us who will make us happy for the rest of our lives, otherwise known as your soul mate. Not true.
When we were first married, I repeatedly told Connie that I could be happily married to another woman. I chose her. The love my wife and I have for each other is a choice.
This brings me to my second piece of advice.
Love is not a feeling; it’s an act of your will
This problem we have as a society can also be blamed on popular music, TV and Hollywood. In romantic movies — sometimes called chick flicks — the couple eventually falls in love. Love is portrayed as a feeling and presented as a disease. Those stories sell because they make many tear up. We never see the hard work it takes to keep a relationship alive.
Another part of the problem is that portrayals of love in movies can leave us disillusioned and unsatisfied with our real-life partners.
Think about it. How do we know that our parents loved us as we grew up? It’s from the time they spent with us and what they did for us. As children we could see and understand the love of our parents in the simple acts of love.
Unfortunately, our children and young adults learn from pop culture that love is being weak in the knees and feeling your heart beat faster at the sight of your beloved. But while that attraction brings us together, it does not remain.
Real love is constantly demonstrated through a hug, by saying ‘I love you,’ and in many simple deeds. Those acts are a choice. And those actions do not expect or need anything in return.
Look around; there are many acts of true love around you. Connie’s mother has been in the nursing home for the past 16 months. Twice a day — 7 a.m. and 5 p.m. — six days a week, she visits her mother. That is love.
During her evening visit to the nursing home Connie witnesses another act of true love. Across the hall from her mother is Oma. Always found sitting next to her is Walker, her husband of 74 years. He doesn’t have to be there; love compels him.
Finally is the story of Mark and Judy. Judy was my high school vocal teacher. She retired in 2005 after a 31-year career doing what she loved. Several years ago, she developed dementia. Because of his love, Mark took care of her at their home for as long as humanly possible. I have never known someone who loves another as much as Mark loves Judy.
The ultimate act of love was when Jesus died for our sins on the cross.
Part of the confusion lies in the English language. Although we can describe coffee in several different words — cappuccino, espresso, skinny latte, brew, etc. — we only have one word for love. The ancient Greeks had six.
Eros, sexual passion, this is self-satisfaction
Philia, brotherly love, as in Philadelphia
Storge, love of parents and children
Agape, selfless, unconditional love, the love of God
Xenia, hospitality, guest-friendship
Philautia, love of the self.
I found this on the Internet, and it pretty well sums up what I have been trying to convey: “Hormones and pleasure may open the door to one’s life companion (eros), but it’s only a choice to dedicate one’s self to a person, love the person unconditionally (agape) and be honest and faithful to the person eternally that bring two people to true love. This means fessing up when a mistake is made, seeking forgiveness, and forgiving the other partner with love and mercy.”
